Hapless Henry Helper

Henry’s my friend. He likes to help
All of the people he knows.
He tells their bad points and gives them stuff
To get rid of the spots on their clothes.

He gave a truck driver a bottle of Scope —
I’ll never forget the day.
The man said,  “I like you. You’ve got guts.”
Then punched him and walked away.

He presented his girl with a can of Ban
And said, “Here, this’ll help keep you dry.”
She just answered, “So you think that I stink?!”
Then belted him right in the eye.

He gave his landlady Aerowax
To improve the shine on her floors.
She started chasing him with a broom
And left him with many sores.

Bus, alas, friend Henry Helper’s
Helping days are over.
He now has left and gone to where
Scotts grew grassy fields free of all clover.

You see, he gave this guy Big John, a very sensitive man,
A brand-new refillable Bic.
And Big John, a guy who could never write,
Filled his water with arsenic.

— 1968

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